Nolan

I’m holding and rocking you right now because it’s all you want. But I’m wishing you put off less heat! The power is out so it is HOT!

I’m thinking about a conversation your dad and I had the other night. About whether or not the surgeries were a good idea. We absolutely believe we made the best decision in choosing these surgeries. Although it’s hard, I can’t imagine not giving you a fighting chance. But there are some people who opt out. They choose something called comfort care. And I’m having a really hard time understanding that!

I get that even with the surgeries there’s still this risk of you not making it. Trust me, that fact is all too present in my mind! BUT medicine has advanced so much that the success rates today are much better than when these procedures were first introduced.

I read from a mom the other day who is choosing comfort care. She said that it’s not her decision to make. How is that? Of course it is, a baby can’t make that decision. And I don’t think the child will grow up and be mad that their parents chose surgery to help them. And Nolan, if you do grow up and decide you didn’t want the surgeries, well tough!

I didn’t choose surgeries because it’s easy! It’s anything but. I don’t enjoy handing you over to the surgeon and trusting him to operate. I don’t enjoy waiting every hour for a phone call to tell me you’re still okay. I hate the wires and tubes. I hate the IVs in your head. I hate seeing the pain on your face but not hearing a cry because there’s a tube down your throat. Because without that tube you couldn’t breathe. It’s not easy, it’s not convenient! But I know that without all of that I wouldn’t be holding you right now. I wouldn’t hear your sweet squeals when you’re happy. I wouldn’t have you.

I don’t want to come off as judging those who choose a different path, but it is very hard for me to understand.

I told you on the day of pre op, if I had it my way you wouldn’t have to go through any of this because your heart would be whole. But, it is what it is, and I’m choosing to fight for you. To give you the chance to fight. And if when you’re older you’re mad because I chose this route, you can be mad at me. But I will never regret my decision. And if I had to do it over again, I’d do the same thing.

I love you, Nolan!

Now, here’s to hoping the power comes back on soon!