Can I Be Honest?

CHDs suck!
HLHS sucks!

I’m pretty sure everyone can agree that anything “wrong” with a child sucks! And this whole situation has really been testing me and my faith. I’m sure that’s part of the purpose, but you know what? I think that’s absolute CRAP! Why does my faith have to be tested using my child?

One of the things people like to say is “It’s God’s plan.” Well excuse me, but SCREW God’s plan. I know that’s awful to say, but it’s really what I feel the majority of the time, and I’m being honest here. What exactly does anyone gain through this?

Shortly after Nolan was born someone was reading me the verse in Psalms that says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”. Oh yeah? What’s so wonderful about a child having HALF A FUNCTIONING HEART! One of the main organs that’s responsible for keeping us alive, and God designed it to not even work correctly.  As a result, my BABY has to have open heart surgery. I saw my son’s heart beating inside his chest. (Yeah, it was cool, but it’s not something anyone should have to see.) He had a stroke sometime within his first 23 days of life. These just aren’t “normal” things.

Right before Nolan was born I BEGGED God to fix Nolan’s heart. To make it “whole”. And it didn’t happen. And deep down I knew it wouldn’t. But I also thought that if I had faith maybe He would. And when Nolan’s left side was still too small I was mad. I felt like God just didn’t care and didn’t answer my prayer.

Sometimes I sit here and I tell God that I think He was wrong. God is perfect, but this isn’t.

My child dying because his heart just couldn’t take it anymore is a very REAL fear of mine.

What’s the purpose?

I’m angry! I’m angry at God because I feel like this is wrong. I don’t feel like this is just wrong for me, but any parent faced with a child who has a serious, life-threatening condition.

I still trust in God. I still believe in Him. I believe in His goodness. I believe He loves Nolan. But I also believe He was wrong. And I feel bad for feeling this way.

I just… don’t understand.

I know that sin entering the world had a lot to do with the “bad things”. But why babies? Why children?



2 thoughts on “Can I Be Honest?

  1. I’ve lost two children Bethany. I’m often sad, depressed even, but I’m never mad. I grieve for the wonderful lives those two boys could have had, but I’m thankful for what I have every day.


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