Today, I’m Angry

Johnny and I have recently had a lot of people tell us how lucky Nolan is going to be to have us as his parents. I can’t tell you how good that has made us feel. We’ve been very fortunate with the love and support we’ve had from our friends and family lately. In fact, this whole process has been fairly easy to deal with. But today… Today is hard. Today I feel like screaming. Today sucks. Today I do not understand. Today, I’m pissed!

I know that God has a plan in all of this, but I’d really like to know what that plan is. Right now, it seems like nothing good can come out of this. I’m mad that every day someone has a healthy baby. I’m mad that people who don’t even want kids can have healthy babies. And here we are… Two people who found out our baby boy has a heart defect… A very serious, severe heart defect. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair.

1 in 100 babies will have some kind of heart defect. Why does our baby have to be that 1? Why are we the ones with “what ifs” running through our minds? Why do other people get to plan on bringing their baby home shortly after birth and we’re preparing for MONTHS in a hospital? Why are we the ones preparing for YEARS of surgeries? What did we do wrong?

I want to yell. I want to hit things and throw things. I want to scream at God because it’s not fair! I want to cry until there’s no more tears to cry and then cry some more. I want to be mad at doctors because they don’t know how to FIX this!

I just want Nolan to be okay. I want him to live a long, successful life. I want none of this to be happening, but if it must I want him to pull through okay.

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